It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
