***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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