can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
