i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
