remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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