There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
