Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
