Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
