He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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