our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
