Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
