I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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