Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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