Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
