Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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