and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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