So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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