Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
