No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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