Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
