just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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