I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
