i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
