I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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