she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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