ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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