trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I could make wine with my vomit
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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