my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
