There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
