the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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