Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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