dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
