So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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