fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
