omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
