Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
