yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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