It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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