Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
