Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
