I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
