Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
