new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
