im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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