Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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