Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
