Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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