I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
