Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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