I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
