He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
