u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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