I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
