I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
